Introduction .

My imagination takes me many places . Mostly too a place I've never been, or probably will never be , but I like to be optimistic . Chanel. That's my name . I'm 23 , a mother of two , and one of the most indecisive people you'll ever meet . I'll start back when I was a little girl . Age undefined (just know I was young) . With dreams of becoming a star . Singer, actress , the whole nine. Now I'm not sure if this stemmed from my love of the arts at a young age , or from me being in foster care . Where those who can relate know you do a lot of dreaming .

Im talking wild shit , like , after a long night of crying id be wisked away by my fairy godmother and taken too Candyland where I'd live with Princess Lolly (don't judge). I know it sounds crazy but come on now , Candyland was so dope ! But, anyway the purpose of this rant is for me to be one of the few women to step up and say ; I was raised "right", and I still don't know as much as I wish I did . Especially in the relationship department .

 Some girls get mistreated and thrive off of that energy alone . Not me. I guess I've always been a "lover" and I've searched for it in everyone I meet . Now for a woman who was raised on the motto " you don't need a man for anything " you would think I'd be a little tougher than that . Nope! I fall , like my laces ain't never tied . I never really took the time to love myself and with the lack of self love  brought forth the lack of confidence, and self respect .

 I've found myself seeing  the "good girl " title as a burden . It was like a dark cloud that reminded me of how ignored and lonely I'd be for the rest of eternity . I cringed when my mom would brag too company about how well mannered and behaved I was. I had no excitement and  I needed acceptance plus the love I wanted , no parent could give . Starting out at 15 , I sought out to find someone to give me that feeling. I didn't know I involuntarily signed up to be a crash test dummy . Fail after fail after almost and pretty close , I continued to take a bad turns.

I won't lie the thrill was something amazing . But, if I could only see what I was doing from another view . My mom would have said my crown was fading , but if you asked me it was never there , so I didn't care . I went from staying in and reading books , too ditching and smoking weed. Sneaking my step dads liquor , and hopping out of windows for late night rendezvouse . I was out of control and it became so normal , I couldn't stop .

      So , two failed relationships and kids later I find myself picking up all of the pieces scattered from here back to Cali . Trying to gain all that was lost has been a challenge of its own . I stay optimistic still . So I ask , what's the value of Good girl ? What's she worth ? What's she good for ? It's important too instill the queen like qualities in our younger girls because it's  so easy too get caught up In what the world says is "living". What I lacked growing up was someone too remind me of my worth and how important it is too love and respect yourself . With all that the world has to offer , nothing is more valuable than what God has given you. Love, cherish, and take care of yourself .  Everything else will fall in line .